Starting Investing Gifts

"Don't include any tobacco stocks in your portfolio- they'll only stunt its growth."

Wall Street Money Never Sleeps. They've obviously never seen my investment portfolio.

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

'Now that I have your attention...'

The day the stock market went UP.

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

"Stock options for your thoughts."

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

Profit

"If a stock falls in the market, and it had no investors, does it really lose its value?"

Large Dollar Sign Office Block

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

'Quick! We need a bigger chart in here!'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

Today we'll see some misused or misunderstood financial and economic terms. It's said inflation can hurt the economy. But it's absolutely in the tire business. I bought this warm puffy jacket with cash. A down payment. We like beer and coffee. Our most valuable liquid assets. In a monopoly breakup, the race car would to go one person and the dog to another. And when I become either a buyer or a seller. He's shorting the market!

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

'There's good news and bad news, J. B. - we now control 51% of this corporation's stock!'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'The prevailing wisdom is that markets are always right. I think that luck is always right.'

Or as I prefer to call it, the 'feel-good' factor.

"Gentlemen, I'm pleased to say the firm is perfectly positioned to avoid chapter eleven and still be in existence this time next year."

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

Entering the Business Community: Assets/Liabilities

'Looks like your cash cow just got diverted to the slaughterhouse.'