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Tonight's comedy show will be interpreted for the chronically offended

"Just be yourself."

Snowprov

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

Applause

Saxophone Player.

'Not even close man - easy listening's around the corner.'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

Ta Da!...

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

Jack in the Box Reading Joke Book.

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

'I thought I might try a bit of Stand-up.'

The Stand-Up Gastroenterologist

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

Stand up comedy for four-year-olds.

Comedy course highlights fake nose

'Bearnaise sauce again,' he cried. 'I can't bear the thought of it!'

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'

'The stand-up geneticist'

'His dad was a standup. He's a quip off the old block.'

Vampire Sit ups