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Tonight's comedy show will be interpreted for the chronically offended

"Just be yourself."

Snowprov

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

Applause

Saxophone Player.

'Not even close man - easy listening's around the corner.'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

'Those are a few jokes to loosen up the crowd first...how do you like 'em?'

Ta Da!...

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

Bob Monkhouse

Michael McIntyre.

Jack in the Box Reading Joke Book.

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

'I thought I might try a bit of Stand-up.'

Woody Allen

"Any kids here tonight? Oh, wait... I guess not...since I didn't see any on the menu."

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

The Stand-Up Gastroenterologist

Comedy course highlights fake nose

Phill Jupitus

'His dad was a standup. He's a quip off the old block.'

'Bearnaise sauce again,' he cried. 'I can't bear the thought of it!'

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'

Stand up comedy for four-year-olds.

'The stand-up geneticist'