Stalactite Stickler Gifts

'I was fixin' to fill you full o' lead, Clanton, but it looks like that there stalactite done the job for me!'

'Why Sally, you look so fetching with that stick!'

"You have no idea what it's like to be a 'just between you and me' person in a 'just between you and I' world."

"Hey! There's a hair in my soup!"

"The universe must love dogs - otherwise, why would sticks just fall from the sky?"

'Where's my glove?'

"Honestly, I prefer stick."

I have a new linguistic pet peeve. It's when, instead of just saying something like, "Bob ate a sandwich," people say, "Bob, he ate a sandwich." It drives me absolutely crazy. Speaking as a psychiatrist, that's a short drive, Al.

"Only 10,000 more years and we'll be together forever, my darling."

'Will you stick to the script!!!'

"Gesundheit!"

'The beer's not cloudy, the glass is dirty.'

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'I'm sorry Rex, but since getting this new stick for Christmas, I have no further need for you.'

"The applications are limitless."

Rare footage of a leopard changing spots.

How to write

'I'm fist-bumping all of my patients now, because it spreads fewer germs than a handshake.'

"I ordered my steak rare - and this is well done...!"

'Made your point.'

"Well I thought it was obvious I would be charging a finders fee"

'Good boy. That's better than the others, but still too long. For playing fetch, I prefer a shorter stick, shaped like that, without bark or moss, and not quite as heavy.'

"May I remind the faculty that, in the event of a nuclear strike, atom bombs take a gender-neutral pronoun."

"Hold on there buddy, that's not a KJV Bible." (two men talking, one with a Bible)

The Carrot and Stick.

'Doctor, I don't think the five-second rule applies to transplant organs.'

'My, my, don't we look fetching.'

He keeps throwing it away and I keep trying to recycle it.

'Let's switch sides. My feet are killing me.'

'He's always trying to get rid of that stick. I bring it back just to torture him.'

"Some manage with a carrot, and others, with a stick. I find success with both."

". . . So what's with bosses these days? It seems like I can never find a good one."

'Well, it's inventory time again -- You do the rocks and I'll do the sticks.'

"The applications are limitless."

'For snoring?! Hell, that's nothing'. I once shot a man for ending sentence in a preposition.'