Stadium Manager Gifts

"Something's trying to get through the Astroturf!"

Turfing the football field,

'Since our stadium was built with taxpayer support, I regret to inform you that all incentive and signing bonuses must be returned.'

'A puff of cloud! Quick, close our expensive new roof!'

'Don't worry about the condition of the pitch, I've got my best goat working on it.'

"There's still room in the southern stand."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

The MBA Draft

Use the body brush vigorously - he will enjoy it.

Go team!

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

"They've remained remarkably faithful to the text."

Radar Gun Readings at Baseball Stadium

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

Theatre Masks and Butts

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

"Toi Toi Toi!"

A very young man being hired as a groom.

"Just when you're about to lose faith in humanity, you see Shakespeare in the Park."

"Good news...I found a doctor who says you can still play!"

'We're looking for athletic people.'

'Maybe we should sign him before the MVP award is announced.'

Jack-a-box in the theatre.

Kenny Dalglish

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

Knickerless Cage.

"Whaddya want for nineteen mil?"

"A glimpse into a cartoon character's dressing room..."

'Verheyen! How many times have I told you? Don't let your personal life affect your play on the court.'

'They're being damn noisy in the hospitality box next door,'

'And now on the comedy channel Jose Mourinho's latest outburst.'

'I've never seen so many strikers in one team before.'

'Fergie quits - chewing gum sales hit all time low!'

'...You push the wrong button, and now, instead of our fans enjoying a fireworks display, we've got an international incident on our hands.'

Input From The Front Office