Squeezy Tube Humorists Gifts

Toothbrush Romance

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

'You must have been wearing your beer googles.'

'So, what do you want to be when you grow up: rebel scum or loyal servant of the supreme android republic?'

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

'And though he died during the hunt, we can only assume that George L Jones would want this new species of butt-faced clown monkey to forever bear his name.'

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

Man on desert island using elastic to shoot him off the island.

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

"After seeing the benefits of web analytics, Amy hoped to learn something by attaching cookies to customers who visited her store."

Newton discovers surrealism

Harbor Hotel: 'Absolutely NO swashbuckling after 10 PM'.

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

"America hasn't been discovered yet -- how about cheddar?"

"Aaaaa....Chooo!"

Lie detector, "It's a goddam liar bird all right."

'This is a first Mr Cowbird. You've contracted mad cow disase and the bird flu!'

"I'm disabling autocorrect, because it reminds me too much of my mother-in-law."

Robot porn.

Lost My Ability To Ruin Picnics. Please Help.

Eggs That Were Anagarms In Past Lives -'Unscramble Me'.

Online articles are fine, but I miss being annoyed by the fragrance sample cards in print magazines.

"Try switching if off and on at the same time."

Sign on shop: Headquarters: 'Business People for Peace'. Man walks out of shop wearing t-shirt with slogan 'Make money not war'.

'We're having the whole place done over in pistachio!'

"Come on, what would be the point of being a pilot fish if I couldn't wear cool pilot sunglasses?"

"This next arrow should shake things up a bit!"

Rudy, do you remember when I experimented with genetically engineered produce? Yeah. And I created an enormous evil zucchini. Yep. Why? No reason. Do you have a 12-foot paring knife? Uh-oh. Huge carrot! Run!

...and we guarantee the passage of time for the life of the watch!

"In the end we decided to name him PJZK45Mz! So we could remember our computer's password."

I think you're using the old remote...

Humpty Dumpty sat on a paywall.

"It's heartbreaking. He blew out his arm training for the season's big modern art exhibit, and he hasn't been able to get anything in the strike zone since then!"

'You keep promising me you'll change, Reginald, but I haven't got all day!'

'Hip!'