Squeezy Tube Humorists Pillows

Toothbrush Romance

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

'And though he died during the hunt, we can only assume that George L Jones would want this new species of butt-faced clown monkey to forever bear his name.'

'So, what do you want to be when you grow up: rebel scum or loyal servant of the supreme android republic?'

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

Man on desert island using elastic to shoot him off the island.

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

"After seeing the benefits of web analytics, Amy hoped to learn something by attaching cookies to customers who visited her store."

Newton discovers surrealism

Lie detector, "It's a goddam liar bird all right."

"America hasn't been discovered yet -- how about cheddar?"

"Aaaaa....Chooo!"

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

Harbor Hotel: 'Absolutely NO swashbuckling after 10 PM'.

"I'm disabling autocorrect, because it reminds me too much of my mother-in-law."

Robot porn.

Eggs That Were Anagarms In Past Lives -'Unscramble Me'.

"Try switching if off and on at the same time."

'We're having the whole place done over in pistachio!'

Sign on shop: Headquarters: 'Business People for Peace'. Man walks out of shop wearing t-shirt with slogan 'Make money not war'.

"Come on, what would be the point of being a pilot fish if I couldn't wear cool pilot sunglasses?"

"This next arrow should shake things up a bit!"

...and we guarantee the passage of time for the life of the watch!

I think you're using the old remote...

Humpty Dumpty sat on a paywall.

"In the end we decided to name him PJZK45Mz! So we could remember our computer's password."

"It's heartbreaking. He blew out his arm training for the season's big modern art exhibit, and he hasn't been able to get anything in the strike zone since then!"

'You keep promising me you'll change, Reginald, but I haven't got all day!'

Sneezing duck.

'Hip!'