Spreadsheet Virtuoso Gifts

"I've called you Mr. Sykes because your self assessment return blew out a whole bank of our computers."

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

Re-Tooling Costs - "Could you be a little more precise than umpteen million?"

'We need to change the introduction to our annual report. What's another word for bankrupt?'

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

"What comes after zillion?"

Downward arrow on progress chart goes through the floor: 'OK, I know this doesn't look good ...'

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

I've checked - it goes down to the basement.

"That's more like it Perkins..!!"

"Will you stop saying 'ouch' every time I cut something out of your budget?"

"Well in our defence we did get the numbers right they were just in the wrong order!"

"I hate check writing, but, hey, it pays the bills."

"I'll need some distracting hilarity on the borders of my quarterly report."

"Now the board will hear from Todd from Accounting with his free verse composition 'My Mistress, Brash and Beguiling – the Third Quarter Numbers.'"

'Lou you have never gotten comfy with spreadsheets, have you?'

"Oh, that three billion dollars."

'For people to think we just pluck figures out of THIN AIR is RIDICULOUS, we use a bucket.'

'I'm important to note we really are trying hard.'

"Hi, I'm Bob Darrel. I'm here to perform the audit of your books. Don't mind the vultures. They follow me everywhere."

'I'm here about the tax credits for business equipment which you listed in your return as 'Betty', 'Mabel', 'Liz'...'

"Hmm.... now I hadn't noticed THAT before..."

J W D Butterworth chief accountant - Pin-stripes made of numbers

"You can go home now, Barmpot - we've balanced."

'Hang on a minute! We forgot to write down that check number in the giant register...'

Profits - "It's worse than you think it goes down to the third floor."

'This year we're in really great shape. Nobody understands our financial statement!'