Spreadsheet Survivalist Gifts

When accountants turn feral.

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

"I need to see your budget proposal."

"I hate performance review season."

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

Late/Too Late.

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"We've done a rigorous examination of your business plan using the latest algorithms to model future profits. . . which way up would you like it?"

Three businessmen using a pulley system to change a graph

"I love your optimism."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'Ever feel like you've walked into a corporate lion's den?'

"What comes after zillion?"

End of Year Figs.

With the office space available, we have no choice but to believe in teamwork!

Macho talk from down in accounting.

No employee is indispensable, but Doreen came pretty close.

'I'm not comfortable with his method of fixing our balance sheet.'

Project Manager Showdown

'Lou you have never gotten comfy with spreadsheets, have you?'

Company profit making scheme - Jenkins, you owe us £327.95.

"The quicksand was corporate's idea. I wanted to fire you for going over my head. They wanted to send a message."

Tax Collector

'Oh, we tried a nurturing corporate culture, but we found the law-of-the-jungle mentality is what keeps our competitive edge..'

'I would like to return this chart. It didn't perform up to our expectations.'

"Hi, I'm Cindy, the company's most toxic employee!"

I can read this audit, but HOW should I read it...What is my MOTIVATION, how do I bring these figures to life,make them sing!... Colin often wondered whether accountancy had been the right career choice for him

"We're hoping for an upturn in the 5th quarter."

"Here - I've no use for spreadsheets where I'm going."

'I dunno Jim...Accountancy just doesn't thrill me like it used to.'

Do you want this set of books, or the set you keep in the broom cupboard?

'We've always needed an accounting magician.'

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"