Spreadsheet Jockey Gifts

'We need to change the introduction to our annual report. What's another word for bankrupt?'

Accountant's Awards - "Our next award is for 'Tax Loophole of the Year'..."

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

"I hate performance review season."

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

"What comes after zillion?"

'There he goes, the bravest M&A knight that our kingdom has ever known.'

Downward arrow on progress chart goes through the floor: 'OK, I know this doesn't look good ...'

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

"Will you stop saying 'ouch' every time I cut something out of your budget?"

Macho talk from down in accounting.

"Well in our defence we did get the numbers right they were just in the wrong order!"

Project Manager Showdown

"I hate check writing, but, hey, it pays the bills."

"I'll need some distracting hilarity on the borders of my quarterly report."

'I would like to return this chart. It didn't perform up to our expectations.'

'For people to think we just pluck figures out of THIN AIR is RIDICULOUS, we use a bucket.'

'I'm important to note we really are trying hard.'

I can read this audit, but HOW should I read it...What is my MOTIVATION, how do I bring these figures to life,make them sing!... Colin often wondered whether accountancy had been the right career choice for him

'Hang on a minute! We forgot to write down that check number in the giant register...'

Do you want this set of books, or the set you keep in the broom cupboard?

'I dunno Jim...Accountancy just doesn't thrill me like it used to.'

"Hmm.... now I hadn't noticed THAT before..."

J W D Butterworth chief accountant - Pin-stripes made of numbers

"You can go home now, Barmpot - we've balanced."