Sports Satire Collector Gifts

The yellow flag goes up and runners hold their positions until the wreck is cleared from the track.

"... It's just that, when you said you had a couple of tickets to see the big game..."

'Let's go over our secret play.'

'You can all relax and resume your game. The unattended bag discovered on the infield turned out to be the second base.'

'He's a good listener, but only to the sound of his own voice.'

'But he's supposed to tell everyone how much you weigh! '

"I got a red card for not having enough fun!!"

'His 5 hour energy drink timed out. If only he had taken it 3 seconds later.'

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

'Where's my horse?'

When Downsizing has Gone Too Far...

'And remember...no sudden moves in the shoot out.'

'The manager takes the pitcher out of the game'

'...And if that doesn't work, grab your rifle and start blasting away.'

You're right, Jenkins. The numbers don't lie. Get me some that do.

'If a job's worth doing, it's worth off-shooting.'

Glenn Hoddle

Some Cricket Novelties.

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"

Loser's Podium.

'We need to panic until common sense returns.'

'It's not your fault, Dewey. Whenever a call doesn't go his way, he goes ballistic.'

Why are you dressed like a British lawyer? The term is barrister, but it doesn't surprise me you don't know that. In fact, it helps me make the case I'm here to prove today: That you're a meathead because you suffered concussions playing football. That's ridiculous. Hold on! Let your counsel represent you. I want to be fair. Counsel? Never mind. He seems to have no comment.

'To protect their investments, many baseball owners are hiring bodyguards for their players.'

The Washington Arbitrators

"I'm here to ensure there's no hanky-panky with the ball's inflation."

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

"I'm against pain killers for players, but I'm for them for supporters."

"He's brilliant, exactly like me, and a lower paid version."

'Our efforts to be rude impersonal, overpriced and inconvenient has made us leaders in jet fuel efficiency.'

Free Speech has heavy price.

"Just to set the record straight, I'm leaving you because you never turn your body to the net, you don't have a smooth swing, and because your forehand, backhand, and volley are inadequate!"

"This one is called 'Essence of Hockey Bag.'"

'Of course our competitors have an unfair advantage - their product actually works.'

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