Sports Officiating Aficionados Gifts

Lots of sports officials waiting in the eye doctor's waiting room.

I like the Jets...I guess

"Portrait of a Lady"

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

Oscar would laugh whenever he recalled his empty existence before golf.

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

Xena: Warrior Princess, TV star, professional volleyball player.

'Fancy a game of five-a-side, boys?'

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

"This ump is so good he doesn't even blink."

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

'When I'm not thinking about me, the Giants, the Knicks or the Yankees, I'm thinking about us.'

So far the coaching exchange program was hitting a few snags.

"Penny's still having issues grasping 'icing the puck,' but she nailed 'offsides' and 'too many men' today!"

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

Egyptian Football

'We have to forfeit, Three of our players got squashed on the way over here,'

"Yes! I hit a triple. Woo-hoo."

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

"And now, since our local teams really stink, here are scores for actual good teams around the country that you might want to root for."

'You haven't heard the best thing. . .no referees.'

'To talk to men at their own level you have to talk a load of balls.'

Get back in that locker room! Go on - scat! ... Anyone else forget to wash his hands?'

Cristiano Ronaldo

'He's missed six goals today. I bet he could kick himself.'

Joey Barton's red card wins Premiership League for Manchester City.

Pole Vault Rules

The Harper Plays Cricket.

'The only thing exciting about these games is our dads fighting with the umpire.'

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

'What makes you think we'll lose today?'

The Unsportables: Javelin Throw

'It looks suspiciously like Killer Hart is taking a dive!'

"Compromise? What the hell is there between safe and out?"

Jocko, a man for all sports' seasons.