Sports Etiquette Enthusiast Gifts

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

Coach to football players: 'And no cuddling!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

'I hope you replace your divots.'

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"This is a little awkward, but you've been our guest for a while now, and we all have work in the morning..."

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'Don't get up!'

"I hit reply all too many times."

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

"All rise."

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

'You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!'

'D'you have any salt?'

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'