Sports Etiquette Enthusiast Pillows

I'm not sure, but I like to think it's because I was always very careful to replace my divots.

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

Coach to football players: 'And no cuddling!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

'I hope you replace your divots.'

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"This is a little awkward, but you've been our guest for a while now, and we all have work in the morning..."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

'Don't get up!'

"More?"

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

'You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!'

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

'D'you have any salt?'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."