Sports Etiquette Pillows

"Hey! If you're gonna use the ladies tee that skirt goes below the knees. And lose the tank top, mister."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

Coach to football players: 'And no cuddling!'

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

'I hope you replace your divots.'

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

People who let their big dogs run around leash free and then say things like. . .

'Missed again, eh, Bob? Maybe you should switch to decaf!'

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Awkward First Dates

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Excuse me, I'm going to talk on the cellphone while pretending you're not here.'

"This is a little awkward, but you've been our guest for a while now, and we all have work in the morning..."

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

What a gentleman imagines while he holds a door open.

The awkwardness of one's first officeplace fist-bump.