Sport Enthusiasts Pillows

'Tonight's guest is Sid Granger, who s going to talk about a recent trip Down Under...'

Wife woken by husband shooting rabbits from the bedroom window

'Cup match or not, Sir, you'll just have to cancel this afternoon's game . . .'

'Last quarter, Jeremy, you dropped two passes. Could you tell our viewers how you plant to catch this pass?'

I like the Jets...I guess

'I'll make my final decision on that promotion of yours, after this game.'

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

'Just how big of a tailgate party are you expecting to have?'

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

'Look around, son. See if there's one you like. But remember: These are abandoned players, unwanted by their teams - so they might come with some psychological baggage.'

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

'I'm not abandoned. I'm a free agent.'

"Lautrec or Gary? Hmmm... We'll take Gary."

"I was sent down to the minors and from there to Europe, and one thing just led to another."

If nobody had invented graphics

"Lordy, I am such a klutz!"

Football Chameleon

'Frank built it himself. The last football will fall through the hourglass 10 seconds before the Super Bowl starts.'

'Originally he was the mascot until we discovered he had a golden foot.'

"He tested positive for a new fever ... TB12."

Xena: Warrior Princess, TV star, professional volleyball player.

Mixed Doubles.

Monica Seles

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

"How should we divide the teams?"

"You'll have to help out here more. I pulled a hammy jumping over the moon."

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

A day at the transgenic races

Gary turns 40.

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

I love your enthusiasm, girls, but we're not opening a can of whoop-ANYTHING.

Race track - with the race being to apply the white lines between lanes

'We need you to get onto those high balls coming over'