Spiteful Gourmet T-Shirts

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"It's such a beautiful day. Why don't we go out and get someone to eat?"

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

Writer and his Muse on a cookout.

"It's natural, vegan organic, no additives, preservatives or cooking."

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

'Mine was stone cold.'

"Harold, please -- the wine steward is entitled to his opinion, too."

Beef Wellingtons

'I'll have the 'All of the above.''

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

"Tonight's specials include beef wellington (long regarded as a major source of cholesterol and saturated fat), Cajun-style swordfish (suspected of containing PCBs and toxic metals), and chicken teriyaki (recent increase in the incidence of salmonella whi

'I'd like to be fed intravenously. I've heard about your hospital food!'

Suddenly Harold froze, trying to remember if he had ordered a side of roaches, or if this was a gross violation of public healthcare policy.

"Monsieur Proust, we would like to discuss product placement for one of our cakes...."

'You have to lose weight. Stop having intimate dinners for two, when you are not expecting anyone to join you.'

"We've gone 'Glutton-Free'."

'This food's disgusting.' - 'And such small portions.'

'Help! -- I ate too much and I can't get up!'

'No, that is not a balanced diet.'

"Instead of string beans, can I get brains?"

'Sunnyside down.'

'Waiter, this salad is obnoxious!' 'But, sir — you asked for French dressing!'

"It was a lovely holiday. The chips crispy and delicious, the ice cream cornets were to die for, the only downside being, the hostility of the humans, who were reluctant to share their sustenance."

"How was the food sir?"

'Your trouble is that you don't appreciate good food.'

'I add the juice of one bottle of brandy.'

"If you tasted like a Umami, where would you be hiding?"

"Telling me how nutritious it is doesn't make it taste any better."

Christmas canape?