Gourmet Gregarious T-Shirts

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

The wonderful world of cheese.

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

The Main Types of Cheese

Too much cilantro

To do before Saturday...

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

'I'll have the bacon and hay wrap.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

Holiday Supplies

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

'Is this still America?'

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Cheese

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

'Cooking'

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

"The bagels are better in New York."