Sparkler Skeptic Gifts

"I only get them to please my dad."

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

Alternative Medicine

'Never trust emails. You can't shred them.'

'A 'D' in physics and biology, an 'A' in reading aloud. What will ever become of this kid?'

"Turn on the news." "I will not comply." "My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story." "There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on rocky road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills." "Who told you this?" "Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy."

"I don't like space."

"If we evolved from stupid people, why are there stupid people still around?"

'My daughter read on the internet about a hip replacement with free built-in MP3 player,'

'Read ALL about IT! While we're STILL in Circulation!'

The other digital divide.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

The benefit of an old-fashioned newspaper.

"...And those are some of the books I would have read if the Internet had never been invented."

Weight Gain Denial

"What I like about intelligent design is that it explains everything will proving nothing."

'We studied the multiplication table in school today -- frankly, I don't believe a word of it.'

"If they de-regulate this place, we wouldn't have to do all those boring scientific tests."

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

'I was born with math immunity, so I'm special. I know that.'

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"I totally meant to do that."

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

"Well, who you gonna believe? Me or Wikipedia?"

"When I was a kid there was no internet. If you wanted to bully someone, you had to do it to their face."

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

"Yes, we see you, Tom... but could you hold your comments until the end of the meeting?"

"Solar flares may be a contributing factor or perhaps it's a negative vibe sensitivity...."