Sparkler Skeptic Gifts

"I only get them to please my dad."

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

Alternative Medicine

'Never trust emails. You can't shred them.'

Library door sign says, 'We have encyclopedias ... the original Facebook!'

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

'A 'D' in physics and biology, an 'A' in reading aloud. What will ever become of this kid?'

Coffee. The phrase "where everybody knows your name" used to sound warm and friendly. Now, with all our personal information exposed online, it sounds scary!

"Turn on the news." "I will not comply." "My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story." "There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on rocky road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills." "Who told you this?" "Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy."

"I don't like space."

"If we evolved from stupid people, why are there stupid people still around?"

'Einstein's theory of negativity'

'My daughter read on the internet about a hip replacement with free built-in MP3 player,'

'Read ALL about IT! While we're STILL in Circulation!'

The other digital divide.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

The benefit of an old-fashioned newspaper.

"...And those are some of the books I would have read if the Internet had never been invented."

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

Weight Gain Denial

"If they de-regulate this place, we wouldn't have to do all those boring scientific tests."

'We studied the multiplication table in school today -- frankly, I don't believe a word of it.'

Two plus two equals five. I don't think so. The earth is flat, or maybe it's shaped like a fish. Huh? Many Republican candidates don't believe in evolution!!! Math, science -- who needs 'em really. That's what I said in high school.

'I was born with math immunity, so I'm special. I know that.'

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

"What I like about intelligent design is that it explains everything will proving nothing."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"I totally meant to do that."

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

"Well, who you gonna believe? Me or Wikipedia?"

"When I was a kid there was no internet. If you wanted to bully someone, you had to do it to their face."

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

"Yes, we see you, Tom... but could you hold your comments until the end of the meeting?"