Sommelier Fan Gifts

'I don't claim to know everything about wine - just 97%.'

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

'Sparky, fetch me an impudent little chardonnay.'

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

'A cheeky red?'

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

The Wine Bottle and the Corkscrew

"What's he going to do now, break wind?"

'My luck, I buy a bottle of wine from 450 B.C. and it's still five years from reaching maturity.'

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

'If you're having trouble finding what you want, try our other store--'Cabernet Sauvignons Starting with the Letter B'.'

Leaning Wine Bottle of Pisa

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Our fresh seasonal hand-crafted brews contain a full serving of spring vegetables."

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

"It started rather well, but then, you sang two wrong notes, so that's a fail in my book. Try again at the next mating season..."

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

"Full disclosure—I really need this hug."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

'No, you're not calling at a bad time. I'm a professional wine taster - it's alwasys a good time.'

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

I wish I'd had the review.

'What wine goes with comfort foods?'

"I make it myself!"

'As Chuck's definition of terroir dragged past the 20-minute mark, Suzy concluded, the longer the explanation, the less likely you know what the word means.'

"You have a big check because you had a big wine."