Sommelier Fan Gifts

'I don't claim to know everything about wine - just 97%.'

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

'Sparky, fetch me an impudent little chardonnay.'

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'A cheeky red?'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Umm ... not sure what notes you'll detect on your palate, but it'll get you ripped."

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

The Wine Bottle and the Corkscrew

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

'My luck, I buy a bottle of wine from 450 B.C. and it's still five years from reaching maturity.'

"What's he going to do now, break wind?"

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

"It started rather well, but then, you sang two wrong notes, so that's a fail in my book. Try again at the next mating season..."

Leaning Wine Bottle of Pisa

'If you're having trouble finding what you want, try our other store--'Cabernet Sauvignons Starting with the Letter B'.'

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

"Our fresh seasonal hand-crafted brews contain a full serving of spring vegetables."

"Full disclosure—I really need this hug."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'What wine goes with comfort foods?'

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

'Don't let him pick the wine. He thinks Dom Perignon was someone who got knocked off on the Sopranos.'

'No, you're not calling at a bad time. I'm a professional wine taster - it's alwasys a good time.'

"You have a big check because you had a big wine."

I wish I'd had the review.

'There's something hauntingly familiar about the bouquet.'

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

"I make it myself!"