Solo Performer Gifts

A conductor practising in front of a mirror.

"Since no one showed up, I'll keep my remarks brief."

"My one man play is now in the west end. I play Lee Harvey Oswald."

Violinist

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

A fairy with wand and crown in pink tutu

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Extreme miming"

"We're following Carrot Top."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

Cow Show Tunes

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

"I can't believe he brought her."

'Play it again, Sam.'

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition

"Bravo!"

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

Jazz is Invented

Clown waits for 'Happy Hour' to begin.

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."

Emily Dickinson: Mime - "I think she's saying something about death."

"Can you juggle a household, three kids, and a career?"

'I think I see what's making your funny noise.'