Software Manager Pillows

Irene, when is the new software manager coming in?

Outer Space Outsourcing

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

'Ted, I really wish you'd update your presentation software so we could do away with the 3-D glasses.'

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

"Don’t you eyeball me, Ed! That’s right, look down at the table. Only technicians who remember to back up the data can look at me! And if you start to cry I will fire you!"

"Well the good news is that we did save a little money by not investing in cyber crime protection...."

"You'll do everything...accounting, marketing, manufacturing...with no pay or benefits...and three years from now we'll trade you in for a newer, sexier model."

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

'I'm afraid you've failed the Turing test.'

"Your job is to build an app that replaces you."

"Space exploration"

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

"Well you said you wanted a simple, cheap solution!" (IT Solutions).

'The boss said to get rid of all the pirated software before he returns, which will be in about five to ten years.'

We've already got one. A hidden microphone in the staff coffee area.

"Making us more mobile friendly didn't mean letting the general public use our car park, Smithers."

Project Manager Showdown

'We want people to see the human side of IT.'

'He knows where the viruses are buried.'

'It just doesn't get any beta than this.'

"Perhaps you're right. Maybe we should upgrade our computer system."

Businessman has in/out boxes labeled 'OPS' and APPS.'

'I think I set the security level, on my anti virus software, too high. Whenever I access anything it is automatically deleted.'

"What do you mean 'upgrade' the server? The old one works just fine."

'Invasion of privacy.'

"Congratulations J.L., I hear you're getting another 'really' in your title."

'I told him over and over again never to press 'delete' more than twice!'

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

'Take my advice, and never look in the back of your computer.'

"We lose more productivity to viral internet memes than we do to actual viruses."

Tech Corp: Personnel Openings - We've reached our quota of nerds, but we are looking to hire geeks.

Every Friday lunchtime procurement managers would gather to boast of the size of bid documents they had received that week.