Social Etiquette Skeptic Pillows

'What's the quietest picture? I want to use my phone in peace.'

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

Greeting card section: 'thank you' and 'you're welcome'.

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

'The Boss is coming to dinner tonight - please don't open a can of worms again.'

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

'Apart from the pain I can't get my hat off.'

"Tell him I can still hear him chewing."

Count Flatula

"How about fashionably never?"

"... And how are you enjoying the cheapest bottle of wine on the menu?"

"Sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to say how much I hate your dress."

'Manners are the noises you don't make while you eat.'

"Generally, when we go around the table sharing what we're grateful for, we just *say* it, Jerry."

'You're not supposed to kiss everyone, Mr Jenkins.'

'I certainly phoned SOMEBODY and said, honey, I'm bringing home a guest for dinner!'

"Don't stare at his massive claw... Don't stare at his massive claw...

"Would it decrease my chances of getting a five star rating if I were to ask you about your political views."

"Not at the table."

Unbroken Eye Contact: The Musical

"How much do you tip your genie?"

'Sorry! I thought nobody would notice.'

"Eye contact is good, but eye contact without blinking is not."

Man in elevator looking at sign that says 'Stare Here.'

A guest departing a party.

'It's rude to talk to someone with your sunglasses on - they can't see your . . er . . limpid pools of loveliness.'

Captain asking lady to dance

"Remember, it could spoil the whole evening if you mention the smell of decomposing flesh coming from their basement."

"Goodbye and have a wonderful day!" "Ugh! Don’t tell me what to do, okay!?!"

"Thank you for the lovely dinner, Perry. Would you like to come in for a stool softener?"

Widow advising a man that men often owe their success to the beauty and social charm of their wife.

"I got my ticket for three dollars over the Internet. Are you going to eat that salmon?"

"And remember, the phone goes to the left of the entree fork."

Servants - Cook and the Lady of the House