Snobby Sipper Pillows

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

'Yeah, yeah, yeah; two years in French oak; warm days; cool summer nights. What the heck's the alcohol level?'

"Lady, I didn't go to barista school just to serve you black coffee."

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

'Would you like some of our house wine? I just made it.'

"Darling! We've become armchair socialites."

The simultaneous development of dining and pomposity.

'I don't actually want to learn so much that I become a wine buff - just a wine snob!'

'I may not know much about art. But, I don't know what I like either.'

'Ptuwah! This is tap water!'

"And would you like a wine stopper?"

"I'll just have a Diet Coke. I'm in the middle of my novel."

'No I don't do decaf, soy lattes with a shot of vanilla!'

"A friendly warning, pal—this is a sports bar."

"Okay, we got one cherry lager, with bitters and a pineapple slice, and one honey malt ale with cinnamon and an orange weist. You want these in steins or parfait glasses?"

'Listen my man, I am not being condescending, I am just trying to use words I think you may be able to understand. . .'

Scariest Tactics

Join me in a cosmopolitan?

'The review said drinking this wine is like drinking a Rembrandt. All I taste is the frame.'

"I'm enrolled in a total immersion wine class."

"A knowledgeable choice...A sophisticated blend of fine liqueurs..." "Girly drink."

'She's so posh, she can make her wind sound like Verdi's 'Requiem'.'

'He's a mixed breed.'

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

"How do I tell a diner 'no ketchup' in a courteous, yet condescending way?"

Man battles for his life against 'A Very Lively Little Red'

"Bartender - givish me another shot."

The wine was fruity and quite lively.

Envy, gluttony, green and lust.

'I know 24 ways to kill a man - add another if I don't get a drink.'

Rose Wine

Official Whore Artist/Official Piss Artist

The rivalry between the Hamptons and Cape Code spills over.

"Regift the bicycle, Charles, but put this in my Panama pile."