Sniffle Stopper Pillows

'Yes, but Mum says don't lent it to anyone. Sniff, sniff.'

It's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas

'I love the mountains and all, but I simply can't do this....I'm just too chicken.'

"Welcome to the Short Staffed Cafe serving food like your grandma cooked. Is your grandma busy? We really need a cook."

"With me everything is 'scratch and sniff'."

"These door hinges squeak."

'Crumbs! I'm holding out for the whole loaf.'

"Can I borrow your cage cover? Ed's really snoring tonight."

"Sealed for your diets protection."

"You don't like my new whistle?"

The Inverted Nose: Genetic engineering's answer to the sniffles.

"your wife insisted we do what we had to do to stop your snoring. And, since she really is rather scary, we were left with no other choice but to remove your face."

'Looks like the work of the infamous international frequent flyer burglar - Better dust for carbon finger prints!'

"This new adjustable mattress really does stop your snoring!"

"This cheap wine doesn't have a cork to smell, but the label is scratch and sniff."

"You idiot. That’s the dog whistle — where’s the mouse whistle?!"

"When I was a child I spoke as a child... but when I became a man I put away childish things... except for my Cocoa Puffs... I still love Cocoa Puffs."

Policeman painting vandals with 'anti-vandal paint' instead of painting the walls.

Suspicious Person Ban.

'If it weren't for baseball, this whole thing could have ended much differently.'

Just say no.

The sound of mucus.

Sign on the door of an Allergy Ward in a hospital says: NO scratch and sniff get well cards

"Wake up Jeff. You're snoring again!"

Human Cull: People who constantly sniff, instead of blowing their nose.

"People are always discriminating against my dad. At work, people say, 'clean up that spill' and 'get under the sink.'"

"He says he's three months late because of Readers' Block!"

"Will you please stop that incessant breathing!"

Whistles

'You've got to cure my snoring, Doc! -- I'm afraid I'll lose my job with the Government!'

Gps to advise on 'lifestyle' issues

'Second childhood menu, please!'

'Well, it might be hard to believe now, but in my youth, I was the fastest animal on land...'

"....and I said, 'as a matter of fact, I DO have a bowling ball in my bag'."

'Just your credit cards. I don't feel safe carrying cash these days.'