Snowstopper Pillows

'I love the mountains and all, but I simply can't do this....I'm just too chicken.'

Woman crying with happiness.

UFO Shelter

Excess Baggage: You send emails from exotic places just to make your friends jealous.

Don't put your daughter on the stage Mrs Worthington.

Mr. Macho at the game... and after the game is over.

'Your performance review is next Tuesday. You're allowed to bring a guitar and up to three backup singers.'

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

'Mind if I wear it to the door? I want to test audience reaction.'

I didn't dress this way to go unnoticed

"Tonight's performance has been canceled, because the star of our show has decided that musicals are stupid."

"Can I borrow your cage cover? Ed's really snoring tonight."

"Sealed for your diets protection."

Mic Drop

"Apparently, my self-driving car doesn't like driving in the snow, because it took it upon itself to drive 1,200 miles to somewhere warm while I wasn't paying attention."

"your wife insisted we do what we had to do to stop your snoring. And, since she really is rather scary, we were left with no other choice but to remove your face."

'Looks like the work of the infamous international frequent flyer burglar - Better dust for carbon finger prints!'

"This new adjustable mattress really does stop your snoring!"

"Thank you! And now for my finale, I shall produce a magician from the hat."

'Best save I've ever seen.'

Just say no.

Sir, bad news. I don't like getting bad news. A new radio program called Ask Sadie is getting huge ratings. Do I own it? That's the bad news. I see. Time to buy Ask Sadie. Queue sinister music. Can you guess?

"I'm getting really tired of this cancel culture."

During the winter I shovel snow. In the spring I mop the mud. In the summer I sweep up dust and during fall I rake leaves. In the theater of the seasons, I'm always a member of the cleanup crew!

'If it weren't for baseball, this whole thing could have ended much differently.'

Policeman painting vandals with 'anti-vandal paint' instead of painting the walls.

Mic drop

Suspicious Person Ban.

"He's never fully accepted being a snowbird."

"You should've called me sooner!"

Sign on the door of an Allergy Ward in a hospital says: NO scratch and sniff get well cards

"Wake up Jeff. You're snoring again!"

Ladies, welcome to Palais des Beefcakes. A super sexy all-male revue. Our first performer is a legend – the hunkiest he-man in the Americas. So give it up for … oh my … It can't be … Senor Stud! Pop!

"....and I said, 'as a matter of fact, I DO have a bowling ball in my bag'."

'You've got to cure my snoring, Doc! -- I'm afraid I'll lose my job with the Government!'