Snarky Domestic Pillows

Home Sweet Mortgage (worth more than the house).

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

"I must come to the supermarket with you sometime dear, they seem to sell everything!"

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

'I'm really thirsty.'

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

"See? I told you my fish was undercooked!"

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work. I overslept.'

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

'Just so you know, leaning on a rake and looking at the sky is not 'yard work', and thus may not be entered into your 'I do so help around the house' defense.'

Man to wife about book: 'Honey, I think the novel wants out.'

Clown has hit wife with custard pie. Marriage guidance counsellor says: 'Does he end every argument like this?'

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

Art Gallery.

"Iron Man! Thank heaven you’ve come!"

"I'm sorry, dear, but you know how I feel about intra-marital sex."

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

'A Dust Cow'.

Wife is reading a book intitled 'Meals in 5 minutes', husband is reading a book about 'Divorce in 5 days'.

"Please yourself, I'll add salt if you like but I'm only dyeing a pair of socks..."

"Oh no!"

Laundry baskets labelled 'pajamas' and 'not pajamas'.

"No, the guy who had this job before me didn't retire - he escaped."

"Give me a sporting chance, love ... pass me my wicket-keeping gloves."