Domestic Irony Lover Pillows

'He never did any work in the kitchen when he was alive, so he can make up for it now.'

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

'Tomorrow we'll look back on this as a night to remember.'

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

"Mulch madness"

'Eve wants a second opinion about the apples.'

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'You're proposing to me with, cubic zirconias?... But, you're a diamond dealer!'

Leaking Hudson River paintings.

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

Please help. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"OK, well, if you do hear anything, be sure to give us a call."

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.

'How many times do I have to tell you about putting the toilet seat back up?'

"Of course no one wants a forest fire anywhere, anytime. It can be devastating. That's why I feel so guilty."

'The NHS is committed to patients having control over their care...So if you'd like to check your symptoms online I'll be back later for a diagnosis and careplan.'

'I'm afraid Mr. Caldwell doesn't want to see you now. However, you're free to visit his web site.'

An artist creates a sculpture of a "thumbs up" and is then crushed by it.

Perfection Troubleshootors.

"When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the marital bonds which have connected her with another..."

'Harold, I told you not to eat the last piece of pie!'

"No worries. I'm well-prepped and ready for anything they might throw at me."