Domestic Irony Fan Pillows

'I wonder why women live longer than men.'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

End the Winter Blues

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

"The blow drier is broken."

'It always great to get away from it all.'

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

"He's Right Behind Me, Isn't He?"

'In a bizarre set of circumstances, the book salesman never showed up, but a drug rep is here with samples of Prozac.'

'Maybe putting 'Sleep 20 Hours A Day' first on the list wasn't such a good idea.'

'Kill all the Canaanites? -- Won't that set a bad precedent?'

'Certainly you may come in for a drink. You live here.'

"I can't sleep... it's too warm in here."

Gigolo Diary

"Please don't go!"

"I’ve changed my mind. I no longer want to conquer the world. I just want to conquer those two..."

'I don't get it. He had the smallest paws in the whole litter.'

'Oh, well done dear. I'll just go and clear a space in the freezer for it.'

Customer tangled up in velvet rope is trying to ring bell for help.

'Your wife came by and left a message'

'No! No! No! I don't want to die. . . Then why are you carrying that enormous scythe?'

"Don't take this the wrong way, but the first minute I saw you I wished you the worst."

A baby biting a boys wristwatch

Did you remember the mousse?

Ingoldsby Legends - Impious Bishop Robert of Birchington

Doctor delivers sonogram results, which include the baby's sex, his claustrophobia, his taste for trashy women...'

'No, but you're getting warmer.'

A Cold Snap

"I only make that muck for you, I've ordered myself a pizza."

If the British had been the first to see the Grand Canyon.