Domestic Irony Fan Gifts

'I wonder why women live longer than men.'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

End the Winter Blues

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

"And I suppose you forgot to bring home the milk."

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

"The blow drier is broken."

'It always great to get away from it all.'

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

"He's Right Behind Me, Isn't He?"

'In a bizarre set of circumstances, the book salesman never showed up, but a drug rep is here with samples of Prozac.'

'Maybe putting 'Sleep 20 Hours A Day' first on the list wasn't such a good idea.'

'Certainly you may come in for a drink. You live here.'

"I told you not to leave without taking out the garbage!"

'Kill all the Canaanites? -- Won't that set a bad precedent?'

Gigolo Diary

"I’ve changed my mind. I no longer want to conquer the world. I just want to conquer those two..."

"Please don't go!"

"I can't sleep... it's too warm in here."

'I don't get it. He had the smallest paws in the whole litter.'

'Oh, well done dear. I'll just go and clear a space in the freezer for it.'

Customer tangled up in velvet rope is trying to ring bell for help.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but the first minute I saw you I wished you the worst."

Ingoldsby Legends - Impious Bishop Robert of Birchington

A baby biting a boys wristwatch

'No! No! No! I don't want to die. . . Then why are you carrying that enormous scythe?'

'Your wife came by and left a message'

Did you remember the mousse?

Doctor delivers sonogram results, which include the baby's sex, his claustrophobia, his taste for trashy women...'

'No, but you're getting warmer.'

A Cold Snap

"I only make that muck for you, I've ordered myself a pizza."