Smugness Specialist Gifts

"The vegans are going to be unbearable after this!"

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Of course it's a stupid sign, but you wouldn't believe how much money it brings in for city hall!"

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"Let me connect you with Edith, our specialist in ethnic conflict in the former Yugoslavia. My expertise happens to be in North Korean intransigence."

WTF?

'I took a couple of years off after college to work on my smirk.'

"Oh, goody. More reality-based crap."

"I hope you don't call that a party face."

Emotional Support Pest

"Where do you see yourself five beers from now?"

'I have power - but it's not the kind that's easy to abuse.'

"Our medical benefits are quite limited, basically we send you a memo telling you to take more exercise."

'As we all know, the appearance of honesty is the best policy....'

Car Dentistry.

"Legal and accounting were O.K. with it, but I had trouble getting it past archery."

"Sadie, I just heard they discovered lots of ancient cities buried hundreds of years ago in the jungles of Cambodia. They've each got weird geometric patterns outlining what may have been gardens. But no one really knows what they were used for. I guess what I'm asking you is... what were they used for? Y'know, since you were there to see them in their prime. They were used for ritual sacrifices of dullards. For educational purposes, I shall now perform one."

'Why am I such a grouch?'

"I propose we build a panic room."

"Yes, you do get your bonus today. My assistant is empty the change out of the vending machine as we speak."

'Do you know what's worse than being a mummy? Being a mummy with a prostate!'

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

The Hendersons: The Shitty Years

'He's a very superior dog. Even his fleas have pedigrees!'

"Of course I love school...but I love no more cafeteria food more."

"I've been feeling a bit empty lately."

"Don't distress yourself, when I said he was on our critical list, I just meant that he's been critical about the food, the staff, and everything else!"

"He said he can't complain. Business is good."

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'