Sms Superstar Pillows

'Sometimes I wish I was all thumbs, then I could text faster.'

Text message: 'Can't pay my cell phone bill anymore. Please help.'

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"I've outgrown my backpack."

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

'Thanks for being up support staff.'

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

'The Human Right Act bans ANY cruel or unusual treatment...we may need to rewrite our ENTIRE customer care policy!'

Your granddaughter is studying for SATs. Oh really? Ahem! What did you get on your practice tests? Drool.

Bigger Brain

Open Mike for the spotlight operators

"Gracie, I'm so proud that you made the academic decathlon team! Here...have some of my special green tea! Ithelps you concentrate and improves your memory!"

Alcoholics Anonymous - 'Nowadays every bottle seems to say 'drink me'.'

"Please refrain from throwing business cards."

"We started learning about units of measurement in math class, but I don't really understand it, so I've got an acre of homework to do."

I downloaded some SAT practice tests. I'll time you. Ok. Ready. "If Ann spends every day obsessing over stupid tests,

"So this is what you do all day on your cell phone? Punching in letters...one by one...sending dirty messages to your friends?"

"It took a lot of hard work to get here, but it was all worth it in the end."

The Waiter

Child on a schedule.

'We don't believe a word of this c.v... And we'd like to offer you a job.'

Waiting for the results.

"My schedule is just nuts."

"Look, I'm the bobblehead of this team."

Time Run

'Your standardized test scores are impressive, but we have no standardized jobs.'

"What's the fun of smelling the Bougainvillea in paradise if I don't smell the envy on Facebook?"

'Nobody likes me at school. I need a personal assistant, a trainer and a P.R. firm!'

The family tradition lives on: I won the Long Jump and the Triple Jump events...

'I'm sending you a text. . .how did people talk before sms messaging?'

Christmas Special Shopping Trolley.

"I've just sent you a text, Ugg!"

Dog gets financial advice.

'Getting old isn't so bad when you consider the only other alternative. . .'