Smoking Satire Appreciator Gifts

'Let's play some cards, boys. Oh, and by the way, the wife said if we figure out how to light these cigars we can smoke in the bowl.'

"More ashtray, nurse! For God's sake, more ashtray!"

Fish "Hey Kid, got a light?"

"And then one day I thought - 'what the hell?!'. . . I'm endangered anyway."

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"Who's got the hammer?"

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

'This guy loves giving stump speeches. Ironically, they're all against deforestation.'

Updated Classis: Alice Through the You Tube.

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

"Nice epic battle between good and evil!"

"We didn't want to know the gender in advance."

Don Quixote is Caged (Don Quixote).

'Oh Hi!'

"Steamed vegetables."

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

'This one is for serving 27 years in the military without anyone finding out I'm gay.'

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

Russia Money Laundering

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

Earthlings, show us your sporting interests. This is golf. Hit the ball with the club. This is tennis. Hit that ball with the racket. This is volleyball. Hit that ball with your hand. Hitting, hitting, hitting. It's all so violent. How do you relax? We hit the hot tub.

The Greek Trampoline

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

"Amateurs."

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

"She's a show dog...purebred, of course." "That's great! My guy's a Sanskrit scholar...wrote for the Harvard Lampoon."

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

'Gosh, I dunno. You sure it's organic?'

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

Noah's Ark/Single's Cruise

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

Atomic Bear: Part 14

'It's a program on paranoia. Every time I leave the room, they stop and wait for me to come back.'