Smoker Relatives Gifts

'These new ideas are silly, Father, the boiled tobacco tasted awful and you've spent an age trying to light that potato.'

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

Any idea how long your family might be visiting?

Children's Party

"Did you remember my mints?"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'It states in his will that if he becomes brain dead he wants to go unplugged.'

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

Speed Dating.

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

'I'll see your diuretic and raise you three anti-depressants.'

"At a certain point, I bring them back."

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

Stockwell's day

Professional woman in pub

'She knew we'd try to talk her-out of it.'

"If you really loved me you wouldn't have called me Euthanasia!"

'He's not my Daddy: He's my great great grandfather...'

'He just outlawed his in-laws.'

"Oh, you haven’t seen holiday drama ‘till you’ve met our little family."

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

Dino Snack

"These are all my financial papers - with the exception of the codes to my secret Swiss bank accounts, of course."

"Alexa...order my shopping!"

'It could be hours, or it could be weeks. He's determined to hang on until he finally understands the punchline to a joke everybody else got at a cocktail party in 1947!'

'They're young hares, so it's OK for them to be a bit crazy in March, but thankfully, we've grown out of that!'

'I haven't had the urge for a cigarette for two days. How's the patch working for you?'

"Nice try, Frank. Mother is still coming for the weekend."

'He won't start up on cold mornings.'

It's a wireless.

"Holy smoke. What kind of frosting is that?"

"You got this, Nana."