Slow Reader Humor Gifts

'How come it takes him so long to read that?'

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

'The cutbacks begin to affect wizards.'

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

Apricots

All this pressure to be the perfect storm...

'Before we staqrt biting do you practice catch and release?'

'We loved this book. Twenty nine experts tell you how to think independently.'

Bro of Frankenstein

"No, I said to swab the deck!"

'You can hit out of the trap or take a 2 stroke penalty.'

Mister Oedipus.

'I've seen nothing I've liked since Victor Meldrew!'

"I don't need to take notes. I'm wearing a wire."

'...and don't think I didn't see that flying tackle.'

"We never talk about anything. 'Me Tarzan, you Jane. Me Tarzan, you Jane.' That's all he ever says."

"First of all, kudos on landing a corner office."

"Sure, I may be over the top, but at least I'm not underhanded like him!"

'I sort of drifted into this...I always wanted to do children's gymkhanas.'

Declutter Your Life

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

Psychiatry. I keep thinking the same bad thoughts over and over! An "emotional baggage carousel"!

'Sorry son, I bought you an ice-cream at the corner shop, but it melted on the way home...'

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

"Would you mind if my new friend Ted joins us?

'You're so sophisticated and witty...and muscular...do you work out? Why, yes, I'd love to come back to your place.'

"Yes, I know darling, getting a sore throat is bad: it really hurts to swallow..."

"Of course I'm self-absorbed. I'm a sponge!"

'I perched on Blackbeard's shoulder for three years, then went to work for Long-John Silver...'

"In school I got punished for copying, yet now it's all I'm asked to do."

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

"Sorry sir - our sun screen only goes up to Factor - 100..."

"I suppose I could fake it."

'To get ahead in business, you can't lose your head. Pun intended.'