Slow Reader Humor Gifts

'How come it takes him so long to read that?'

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

'The cutbacks begin to affect wizards.'

Apricots

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

'We loved this book. Twenty nine experts tell you how to think independently.'

'Before we staqrt biting do you practice catch and release?'

All this pressure to be the perfect storm...

Bro of Frankenstein

"No, I said to swab the deck!"

'You can hit out of the trap or take a 2 stroke penalty.'

'I've seen nothing I've liked since Victor Meldrew!'

"I don't need to take notes. I'm wearing a wire."

"First of all, kudos on landing a corner office."

'...and don't think I didn't see that flying tackle.'

'I sort of drifted into this...I always wanted to do children's gymkhanas.'

Declutter Your Life

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'Sorry son, I bought you an ice-cream at the corner shop, but it melted on the way home...'

"Would you mind if my new friend Ted joins us?

"In school I got punished for copying, yet now it's all I'm asked to do."

"Yes, I know darling, getting a sore throat is bad: it really hurts to swallow..."

"Of course I'm self-absorbed. I'm a sponge!"

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

'You're so sophisticated and witty...and muscular...do you work out? Why, yes, I'd love to come back to your place.'

'I perched on Blackbeard's shoulder for three years, then went to work for Long-John Silver...'

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

"Sorry sir - our sun screen only goes up to Factor - 100..."

"I suppose I could fake it."

'Excluding our little granddaughter who called me 'orrible old smellypops!'

'To get ahead in business, you can't lose your head. Pun intended.'