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House Hubby.

'Every time I turn my back, he's learned another one of your bad habits.'

"I'll be glad when the television is fixed."

"I'm prescribing a mild sedative. Go wine shopping and get yourself a nice Chablis."

"Why would I want to see anything that far away from my phone?"

State of the Union

'You're a filthy pig, Gordon! I guess that's why I love you so much.'

"I'm running a loose ship."

'Bill remembers where he was everybody died.'

A man watching t.v. with his skull hinged open to reveal the same man watching the same t.v. . . .

Self checkout and 'selfie' check out at a store.

"I lost 5 pounds and you didn't even notice!"

'Must you eat without your shirt on? The crumbs falling into your navel are beginning to compost.'

"He started off with a lazy eye and it spread to his whole body."

"I know, same here. Angsting about the Zeitgeist like there is no tomorrow."

One of the many advantages of shopping online!

'He's lost his mobile phone - it must be in his chair somewhere!'

'My husband is a police detective. He does know how to toss a room.'

'What do you expect Marjorie, I am a grub.'

'Call yourself domesticated!'

"I'm searching my family history in hopes of finding some generational trauma or institutionalized oppression that would explain whole I'm failing all my courses."

Whoever said 'change was inevitable' never saw Fred's underwear.

Couch potato with tator tots.

'It doesn't get any better than this.' 'That's what has me worried.'

Geriatrics: 'wine...women...song'

'Create excitement in your life! Paparazzi for hire!'

"It's either a powercut or we're watching the microwave oven."

"If I won the lottery, I would go on living as I always did."

"That corn on your foot is beginning to look nasty."

"Exercise: Check! Diet: Check! No vices: Check!"

'One day son, all this will be yours.'

'Maybe it's your diet?'

Modern nagging

'Gross...such an old school way of checking in!!!'

'Leonard has hidden qualities, and they're best LEFT hidden.'