Slimming Star Gifts

National Slimming Championships.

'She dressed herself this morning.'

"I take it you got the lead in the school play."

Maria had always said you could never have too many shoes. Actually, she was wrong.

'Welcome to the first meeting of the Shy Men Club.'

"Humans are crazy! Like life is not hard enough in winter, they have to make artificial snow!"

Full fatHalf fatVirtually fat free.

'You know that thin person inside you, struggling to get out? -- He seems to have gained weight, too.'

"Nice try Mrs Wimslow"

Will Self does karaoke

The temporary home of the international hall of brine.

'I don't wan't to talk - let's sing a duet!'

"Take my advice, Roberts, and hide your light under a bushel."

'I'm sorry, we can't give you a surgically inserted gastric band, as it appears you already have two!'

Choir

A fridge surrounded by books.

"Read my weight NOW!...NOW!"

"Now ladies, I hope none of you have been cheating."

Don McLean

The Musician

Diet Foods: Bread and Water

Slimming World

Weight watchers 'Gone for low-calorie lunch'.

On her doctor's order, Wanda watches how she eats.

'Gee! Your diet's beginning to work!'

"Your debut solo singing with the Women's Institute has been cancelled? I'm sorry - I was really looking forward to missing that!"

'My trick for looking slimmer is to only have friends who are fatter than me - not you, of course...'

'Well done Mrs Fogherty. That's another three pounds you've lost this week, that will be three pounds please.'

POOR CHAP WAS CONCENTRATING ON HIS 'I CAN MAKE YOU THIN' CD WHEN THE TRUCK SQUASHED HIM FLAT