Skeptical Planner Gifts

"The best laid plans of mice and men... differ materially in their objectives."

Worry tank

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

'I'd like to leave my pacemaker to the medical institute, my artificial lung to the research center, my false teeth to the dental clinic, my dacron arteries...'

Conspiracy Theory Bookstore: JFK, Princess Di, and Osama Bin Laden.

Flat-earthers and round-earthers reach a compromise.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

'No, I don't believe in life after birth. When you're born, you're born!'

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

For 29 years, Bert's strategy had been to reach retirement without making any waves,missteps or career-limiting moves. And it might have worked, too, if only he'd foreseen the fossilization risk.

'Before you begin, I'd like to thank you for coming in early to do this on such short notice.'

Swami Trevor's Brotherhood of Celestial Enlightenment

'In our thirty years of marriage she's squirreled away loads of money, but she can't remember where.'

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."

Man to man re: crackpot's sign that says, 'Your Nutty Idea Here': Everybody's out to make a buck these days.

'This isn't the first time you've been here---- is it ?'

"Nope! Not that one! They still believe that 'gods' created the universe!"

"He wants the cat for his next trick. I'd be real careful about this, Eileen."

"Thank you for not praying."

Fortune teller has a diary for 2017

'I'm fully organized. Now I can freak out in some kind of order!'

Fortune Telling: Retirement Planning.

'I see you reaching into your wallet for a twenty dollar bill.'

"I started a new business. . ."

"I guess I can’t prove I exist either."

"Lunch Thursday at one? Looks good to me."

'What will it cost me for you to elope?'

"Measure twice. Wipe once."

'We should have bought the piano first, and built the igloo around it.'

'You and your shortcuts.'

"Could you deliver 500 pizzas over there at the sports shop? Just ask for Hank at the frisbee department."

'Liberty, equality, and fraternity, eh? ? What's in it for me?'