Reluctant Planner Gifts

'I need to write a list of things to do, but I just can't get around to doing it.'

"The problem with these instructions is that they assume I have the attention span to actually read something."

'I'd like to leave my pacemaker to the medical institute, my artificial lung to the research center, my false teeth to the dental clinic, my dacron arteries...'

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

"The best laid plans of mice and men... differ materially in their objectives."

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

"You don't get a lot of work done, Jenkins, but I admire how thoroughly unstressed you are."

The middle school mile claims its first victim.

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

Desk boxes: 'In', 'Out', and 'What ever'.

For 29 years, Bert's strategy had been to reach retirement without making any waves,missteps or career-limiting moves. And it might have worked, too, if only he'd foreseen the fossilization risk.

'Before you begin, I'd like to thank you for coming in early to do this on such short notice.'

'In our thirty years of marriage she's squirreled away loads of money, but she can't remember where.'

Stop staring at that screen saver!

'Liquor will solve this problem, chief!'

"He wants the cat for his next trick. I'd be real careful about this, Eileen."

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this committee.'

"I hate these walkabouts. Did you remember to get me some corn plasters?"

"Measure twice. Wipe once."

'You dropped your day planner.'

Hunting - Man asked to go hunting by his wife

"Well, my pension was tied up in the cruise liner industry."

'I couldn't decide what to wear to work so I just didn't go.'

'We should have bought the piano first, and built the igloo around it.'

"The only thing I like more than running is everything else."

"The boss is on a working vacation and we're on a nonworking vacation."

"Could you deliver 500 pizzas over there at the sports shop? Just ask for Hank at the frisbee department."

'You can't do this to me, Arlene! -- I'm not the outdoorsy TYPE!'

"The long wait for greatness to be thrust upon one."

"Every year it's the same story...dangerous situations. Slippery slopes. Inescapable traps. Horrible creatures. But I trudge forward because no matter what...it's hard to avoid the first day of school."

This week, House Manager Blowviatt has been asked to avoid the appearance of playing to the cameras.

"Sorry, I can't make it tonight - I have too good a parking sport."

"For Christ's sake, Bob, tuck your shirt in."

Prisoners escaping in bubbles.