Skeptical Humorist Pillows

Your Winning Lottery Numbers Told: 'If they are really what you say - how come you can only afford a tent?'

"If I knew next week's winning lottery numbers do you think I'd be sitting here telling you."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"Gee, thanks pal."

'Your videotape's intriguing - But it still doesn't prove that they really exist.'

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"My latest sighting turned out to be just another weather balloon."

Trappist Monk Discord

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

'What does it say, Dad?'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

HELLth Food Sprouts

'To hear our privacy policy, please tell us you credit card and social security numbers...'

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

German School

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

"Actually, you do have a racist bone in your body."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"What are you doing?"