Skeptical Donor Gifts

"I'd be very happy to give if I could be confident the money was spent well!"

"You have to believe what you're doing will lead to something valuable, even though it probably won't."

Stock market investment advice

'Personally I can't see anything wrong with GM crops!'

"Nihilistic customer service"

"The best laid plans of mice and men... differ materially in their objectives."

During the Holiday season, Mr. Arthur Jeffries takes a little time to think of those who are less fortunate.

"I told him he was allowed one phone call. He's making a pledge to Channel 13."

'It's scoundrel time . . . '

'Good Lord, what is it this week? New equipment for your kid's soccer team?'

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'

'Can I choose which brick you name after me?'

'It's not a Ponzi scheme. It's a Ponzi FUND.'

Warning! All Manifestos May Contain Traces of Truth.

"I guess I can’t prove I exist either."

'Does that include the fishing rod?'

"Now just relax and leave everything to Doctor Jones here. He's the best there is in the entire medical field of quackupuncture."

"Of course our products are absolutely safe!

'Miss Thompson. Get me the charity list, I feel some ethics coming on!!'

"You should start taking probiotics now, before we discover that they don't make any difference."

Proving Jesus lived is harder than finding footprints in the water he walked on.

'Get rich quick schemes - $1,000,000 each.'

Truth in labeling: If it sounds too good to be true. . . investments, stocks, bonds & mutual funds - formally fly-by nite investments.

'I think we should try having a 'none week' week.'

'I put hopeless at Christmas shopping into a search engine and your name came up!'

"Did I just give, or did I give wisely? That is the question."

'It's a new concept in fund drives. First we collect the money, and then we decide what we're going to do with it.'

'If I really was, do you think the kids would have even bothered to buy me a gift?'

Democratic Debate

"This is the patient, doctor..."

"Are you sure there are no nuts in this muffin? I'm allergic."

'There goes an honest politician -- his only campaign promises are 'death and taxes.''

Some black sheep at the financial consulting branch are working with cheap tricks.

'I'd rather hear about the more relevant pyramiding schemes.'