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''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

"The rolling wheels...the ringing bells...signal the deliciousness of summer."

Pasta

London GPs could become an endangered species.

'-Not THE Queen Vic?'

Comic,,,Drama,,,Laugh Track,

'Football...Beer...Popcorn...that is Bernie's Stimulus Package.'

"I detect a subtle bouquet of money."

Situation Tragedy.

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

"Lumpy? Of course it's lumpy! Sweetbread soup is meant to be lumpy."

Women who Read Too Much

'I've seen nothing I've liked since Victor Meldrew!'

'I wasn't going to destroy their country until they introduced me to the cast of 'Jersey Shore'.'

"So I play this guy named Stan Snorkel who finds a big, gray poodle..."

Larry David

"The chef will accommodate gluten-free requests, but only with a note from your doctor."

'Mom, was Dad your number one draft choice?'

"I didn't want this book to end, so I stopped reading it midway."

"I never said I liked this show...I'm only enjoying it because you hate it."

"Yet it's magically okay when Mrs. Maisel & Susie talk like that."

"The doctor's running late. Feel free to catch up on your binge watching with our waiting room TV."

NEW FALL LINEUP

"He goes through the TV listings deleting all the 'trash' I like."

"Of course Daddy could explain what a superconducting supercollider is, sweetie, but just at the moment Daddy is watching 'America's Most Wanted.'"

"Semi-autobiographical plot-lite exploration of twenty-somethings who struggle to express their wants & needs."

Heterosexual actor auditions.

'I'm not sure when he went missing, officer. I just noticed his TV chair is empty.'

"'Scuse me, Officer, but where do the elite meet to eat around here?"

After hours TV.