Single's Day Gifts

The secret of living happily ever after....Do it alone.

'Online dating is rubbish. I've written to 20 women and not ONE has replied.' 'At least you're being spurned in the comfort of your own home.'

Life is for the birds.

"Maybe the next one will be a singles cruise."

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"Yes, I'm alone."

"Alone bad. Boyfriend good!"

Still searching for my Prince Charming.

"Life is too short! Why should I waste my time frantically searching for a mate when I can create art instead..."

A man reads a book called 'Opening Lines' while a woman reads a book called 'Brush Offs'.

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

No boyfriend, can't be bothered t-shirt

Drinking Companions

"Teri tells me you're ostensibly straight.."

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

'On the contrary, soap operas are a great time-saver -- you don't have to get married and have your OWN problems.'

"At this point, I think a rich lightweight would be fine."

"Do you know what girls want?"

"I had guys chase my tail, then one day I thought, hey, dummy, get rid of the middlemen and chase your own tail!"

Speed Dating Disasters

"Honey who needs a man when you've got... Rhythm!"

'Are you seeing anybody?'

"Being a refrigerator magnet is fine, but I wish, for just one day, I could be a chick magnet."

Brenda second-guesses her decision to date a wi-fi hotspot.

'Complements of the big smelly gentleman.'

"I think you two may hit it off. Craig, here, is an attractive male academic in his early forties who seeks a warm, vivacious woman delighting in conversation, arts, and nature for an evolving romantic commitment, possibly marriage, while you, Vivian, are a good-looking, intelligent, stimulating woman in her late thirties who seeks an educated, unattached, well-bred man concerned with ideas, culture, and the environment with whom to share your life interests and companionship."

'I'm thinking the bee beard is the main reson that you're still single'

Eric knew where all the real slappers hang out.

'She won't even look at me. It's like I'm a banner ad.'

'We fed your application in, and the computer started leaking slime.'

"The dinner date was a disaster! I realised he was still a "Mama's Boy" when I saw he was expecting me to regurgitate his food..."

He's Tasty!

"Finally - my dating app just launched a 'Why am I seeing this loser?' feature."