Single's Day Gifts

The secret of living happily ever after....Do it alone.

'You only love me because you haven't got a boyfriend!'

'Online dating is rubbish. I've written to 20 women and not ONE has replied.' 'At least you're being spurned in the comfort of your own home.'

"Maybe the next one will be a singles cruise."

Life is for the birds.

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

Still searching for my Prince Charming.

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"Alone bad. Boyfriend good!"

"Yes, I'm alone."

A man reads a book called 'Opening Lines' while a woman reads a book called 'Brush Offs'.

"Life is too short! Why should I waste my time frantically searching for a mate when I can create art instead..."

Drinking Companions

No boyfriend, can't be bothered t-shirt

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

"Teri tells me you're ostensibly straight.."

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"Honey who needs a man when you've got... Rhythm!"

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

"I had guys chase my tail, then one day I thought, hey, dummy, get rid of the middlemen and chase your own tail!"

"Do you know what girls want?"

When did this date go down the toilet? I assumed when you went to the men's room that you dropped it there.

'On the contrary, soap operas are a great time-saver -- you don't have to get married and have your OWN problems.'

"At this point, I think a rich lightweight would be fine."

Speed Dating Disasters

'Are you seeing anybody?'

"Being a refrigerator magnet is fine, but I wish, for just one day, I could be a chick magnet."

'We fed your application in, and the computer started leaking slime.'

'Complements of the big smelly gentleman.'

'She won't even look at me. It's like I'm a banner ad.'

Brenda second-guesses her decision to date a wi-fi hotspot.

Eric knew where all the real slappers hang out.

"I think you two may hit it off. Craig, here, is an attractive male academic in his early forties who seeks a warm, vivacious woman delighting in conversation, arts, and nature for an evolving romantic commitment, possibly marriage, while you, Vivian, are a good-looking, intelligent, stimulating woman in her late thirties who seeks an educated, unattached, well-bred man concerned with ideas, culture, and the environment with whom to share your life interests and companionship."

I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy. Which part do you miss most? Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what tv shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission? Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors.

'I'm thinking the bee beard is the main reson that you're still single'