Single Life Satirist Pillows

Hi, I'm Lars Fusco, and I've got a bottle of wine back at my house that has your name on it. What makes you think my name is "Thunderbird"?

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

The little engine that delegated

'Secondhand smoke.'

What Could Go Wrong?

Snowman Driver

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

"You didn't seriously think that one does one's own huffing and puffing these days, did you?"

William Makepeace Thackeray.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'I just read 'Moby Dick'...do you have anymore 'whale hate' literature?'

'I thought you said, 'What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom'!'

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

'... and make it look like an accident.'

Waiting Room For Godot.

"Listen, kid - in the real world, great power comes with no responsibility whatsoever."

'Sire, the peasants say you're just using them.'

"My book is actually about 12th century Etruscan pottery but I thought it might sell better if I aimed it at the children's market."

"I didn't waste lockdown. I did my own facelift."

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

"He was murdered with one of the rejection slips he sent."

The Best Defense for Trump's Wall

"In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen episodes."

'What's the antidote for espresso?'

'I'm just updating my Facebook profile.'

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

"Jeremy sits in his hi-tech car all day and telecommutes from our driveway."

'To be or not to be . . . contingent on royal funding.'

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."