Single Life Satirist T-Shirts

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

The little engine that delegated

Snowman Driver

"You didn't seriously think that one does one's own huffing and puffing these days, did you?"

William Makepeace Thackeray.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'Secondhand smoke.'

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

'... and make it look like an accident.'

"Listen, kid - in the real world, great power comes with no responsibility whatsoever."

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

Waiting Room For Godot.

'I thought you said, 'What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom'!'

'I just read 'Moby Dick'...do you have anymore 'whale hate' literature?'

'Sire, the peasants say you're just using them.'

"My book is actually about 12th century Etruscan pottery but I thought it might sell better if I aimed it at the children's market."

"I didn't waste lockdown. I did my own facelift."

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

"He was murdered with one of the rejection slips he sent."

"In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen episodes."

'What's the antidote for espresso?'

"Jeremy sits in his hi-tech car all day and telecommutes from our driveway."

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

'To be or not to be . . . contingent on royal funding.'

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."

"What about business - which branch is that?"