Singers Gifts

Cough Mixture for Angels

"This is it, everybody. Jack and Harriet Schroeder sing Harold Arlem."

Can't carry a tune. Please help.

'Never-never land.'

Shepherd and eurydice

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Louis Armstrong

Showbiz Awards

"Here's another one written in E minor and in case you haven't guessed by now, it's the only chord I know."

'It's good - but it's not digital quality.'

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

Lennon and McCartney.

"This is my new country song I wrote about my self-driving truck leaving me..."

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

Omara Portuondo

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

Papageno from The Magic Flute

"Think of it as buying in – not selling out."

A Fairytale Update

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

Anna Calvi

EWE 2.

Rejected Titles For The Canadian National Anthem.

George Michael

Red Letter Days - A declaration of love in public

"Michael, your father and I are worried that you're awfully young to be singing the blues."

"Woke up this morning, someone had nicked my guitar..."

"This next one's another oldie."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Yeah, I got into trouble, but I think the principal really enjoyed my rendition of 'I Did It My Way.'"

'Oh, it's a long, long time...From here to November...'

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."