Songwriters Gifts

'I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it's more of a wrap.'

"Okay, the mice can be blind, but if we introduce a carving knife, we'll have to use it in the third stanza."

Elton John

She doesn't like my song? All the kids LOVED it at Day Care!

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

"Here's another one written in E minor and in case you haven't guessed by now, it's the only chord I know."

Campaign for Plain English

"This is my new country song I wrote about my self-driving truck leaving me..."

Lennon and McCartney.

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

Anna Calvi

"Think of it as buying in – not selling out."

Rejected Titles For The Canadian National Anthem.

"Woke up this morning, someone had nicked my guitar..."

"This next one's another oldie."

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"Michael, your father and I are worried that you're awfully young to be singing the blues."

George Michael

1847 - Bram Stoker, creator of Dracula was born in Dublin.

"If you could be any Bob Dylan you wanted to, which Bob Dylan would you be?"

"That is an outrageous slur."

Annie, the Reptile version: 'The sun will come out tomorrow! Tomorrow! You will sun yourself tomorrow!'

"Do you like it better when I go to the F or the Dm?"

'Henrietta is so self-confident.'

This next song goes out to the girl who stole my heart and my guitar.

Michael Jackson

"She loves you... yeah... yeah... yeah..."

"Oh, mournful and terrible engine of horror and crime—of agony and of death, not asparagus again!"

Euripides: 'If we could be twice young and twice old, we could correct all our mistakes.'

'As I walk through the halls, I see teachers teaching and students learning and I say to myself, 'what wonderful school, what a wonderful world.''

Bryan Ferry

New music conference

Guitar Man.

"How about we write a song combining Brexit with unrequited love?"