Sick Leave Satirist Pillows

'Your absence is as expendable as your appendix, Merryweather!'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Progress is going around in the same circle...but faster."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'Another sick note from your employer !'

'It's another squirrel - from the park. I warned you not to start feeding them.'

"I started at the bottom and worked my way up to not caring."

"Endless Summer III"

'First of all, I'm taking you off the iron supplements.'

'You can't call it a miracle drug just because you added miracle whip!'

'Have you heard of the Phrase,'Survival of the fittest'?' 'Uh-ho!'

Witch making a brew with Gluten, Nuts, Trans Fats, BGH, GMOs...

Energy Drinks

'Another upsetting discovery from the world of nutrition: New studies indicate that the air itself is fattening...'

"What do you think of the new cubicles?"

'It's these sleeper terrorists, doctor. They're keeping me awake at night.'

Emergency Covid Testing Clinic: Confirmed Cases Only

Tortoise is snail taxi.

"Don't be so dramatic, you've only got a cold!"

'Our retirement plan is state funded. When you retire, we give you a lottery ticket.'

'Actually I'm a ?39,000-a-year 'Integrated Commissioning Manager' if you really must know.'

Covid-19

'I'm happy to say this makes grim reading.'

"We've been told that we can't leave patients on trolleys in the corridors, so we are moving them into the car park."

Cold Remedies

". . . And if we all look to our left, we can see exactly what we saw an hour ago."

"My social security number is one."

'The real me is for lawlessness and disorder.'

"It's not the flu. I got a very bad case of tired blood."

'Consumer alert! Consumer alert! - If it tastes good, spit it out!'

Unemployment Insurance: 'Did you look for work this week?'

'Just think, I used to pay a spa $30 a month to hang me upside down in gravity inversion boots.'

Not to worry...by the most remarkable of coincidences a new polyclinic has been opened just 12 miles away...

Fighting coronavirus