Sick Leave Satirist Gifts

'Your absence is as expendable as your appendix, Merryweather!'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Progress is going around in the same circle...but faster."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'Another sick note from your employer !'

'It's another squirrel - from the park. I warned you not to start feeding them.'

"I started at the bottom and worked my way up to not caring."

"Endless Summer III"

'You can't call it a miracle drug just because you added miracle whip!'

'First of all, I'm taking you off the iron supplements.'

'Have you heard of the Phrase,'Survival of the fittest'?' 'Uh-ho!'

'Another upsetting discovery from the world of nutrition: New studies indicate that the air itself is fattening...'

Energy Drinks

Witch making a brew with Gluten, Nuts, Trans Fats, BGH, GMOs...

"What do you think of the new cubicles?"

"Don't be so dramatic, you've only got a cold!"

Tortoise is snail taxi.

Emergency Covid Testing Clinic: Confirmed Cases Only

'It's these sleeper terrorists, doctor. They're keeping me awake at night.'

'Our retirement plan is state funded. When you retire, we give you a lottery ticket.'

'I used to be a pack animal. Lately, I've become a two pack animal.'

'Actually I'm a ?39,000-a-year 'Integrated Commissioning Manager' if you really must know.'

Covid-19

Cold Remedies

'I'm happy to say this makes grim reading.'

"My social security number is one."

"It's not the flu. I got a very bad case of tired blood."

'The real me is for lawlessness and disorder.'

". . . And if we all look to our left, we can see exactly what we saw an hour ago."

"We've been told that we can't leave patients on trolleys in the corridors, so we are moving them into the car park."

'Consumer alert! Consumer alert! - If it tastes good, spit it out!'

'Just think, I used to pay a spa $30 a month to hang me upside down in gravity inversion boots.'

Not to worry...by the most remarkable of coincidences a new polyclinic has been opened just 12 miles away...

Aren't you afraid you'll void the warranty?

Fighting coronavirus