Shy Comedians Gifts

Do you close your eyes when you kiss? Yes, but only because I'm very shy. I also close my eyes when I brush my teeth in front of the bathroom mirror.

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"Here, we do not procrastinate, we 'table' things."

"Think outside the box but never forget who owns the box."

"Have you and Tim picked out a name for the career obstacle yet?"

My brilliant career

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'Not here - home!'

"You think two weeks in isolation is hard?"

"I'm learning to live with existence."

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

The new boss brought a sense of urgency.

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

'Item 56, we need to schedule a series of meetings to discuss whether we should have meeting to look at whether we're having too many meetings.'

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"We can speak freely now. I've encrypted the line."

"Sorry, you can't cash in your vacation time. Since you didn't use it, tell it Bon Voyage!"

"When all else fails, blow darts still get their attention."

Man leaving his office with his computer tangled around his leg,

"We're to stop talking about 'budget cuts'. Apparently it's depressing for staff and clients..."

'Very funny!'

My client is claiming that you have discriminated against him as a species, that your refusal to let him sniff client's bottoms is against his canine rights and that your policies have acted against him reaching partnership.

"Ok Watson, what have you dreamed up?"

"Want to go watch the people who get to leave at a normal hour?"

'The firm is downsizing, Oglethorpe -- tell everybody to scrunch up.'

"Matt, you look like you just saw a ghost who fired you!"

"I've called this meeting so I could see all of you squirm."

Hirer to employee handing him lighted hat: 'You'll be starting at the bottom.'

'Isn't this cast great? Dr. Emily's minor was sculpture in college!'

"If the jumper cables don't work, I'll pour more motor oil on the keys."

'Don't hesitate to critize me, Herb, whenever I think I am wrong.'

'Oh yeah, ths boss is going to love the new hire.'

'I hired a motivational speaker once, but unfortunately all of my employees left to get better jobs.'

'Botox.'

'This associate has a first rate mind...and a third rate suit.'